Remember Sybil? She had Multiple Personality Disorder, or so she claimed, but whether her story is true or was massively exaggerated isn't what this post is about. It is about my multiple personality disorders.
I have only two, not the hundreds Sybil claimed. They are Tamara and Turtle. Tamara is outgoing, witty, full of positive energy and completely engaging, if I do say so myself. She loves being the center of attention, especially in a performance capacity - singing, acting or even simply conducting wine tastings (which is SO fun, by the way).
Turtle, an apt nickname given to me by my father at birth, is intensely and painfully shy. Turtle can hardly place a phone call without a major intervention. Turtle is practically a hermit and has agoraphobic tendencies. Seriously.
These two personalities typically merge amiably, more Tamara than Turtle, but occasionally they brawl. That's right. They throw down and though Tamara usually prevails, Turtle does some damage.
Today, the two are warring over a writer's group meeting. Yes, I've finally found a group of writers practically in my own back yard. The thing is, I haven't met them yet. 7 of us are scheduled to convene tonight and the Tamara side is pleased and ready to finally, potentially make some like-minded friends (well, who knows if they're like-minded, but at least we'll have a love of the written word in common).
Turtle, on the other hand, wants to duck into her shell and stay there. With 3-kids and a husband who'll barely be home on time for me to go, the excuses to cancel are readily available. Come to think of it, I've had a head cold brewing for a couple of days now...
Last month I had this same inner turmoil with the BritMums meetup, but I drafted my husband to fight for the Tamara side and I managed to get out the door and all the way to London to meet other bloggers and hook up with a few brands.
Write, then. Right, then. I know I'll go - I'll force myself too and I'll be better for it. But, why the heck do I have to go through this every time? It's exhausting and frustrating. The tennis match of self-assurance and utter insecurity.
I've always had these two sides, but it got much worse after the kids came along. It's intensified through the isolation of motherhood. I haven't worked regularly outside of the home in 8 years. I've moved from Singapore to the US to England in that time and without a job, it's tricky to make friends. I place a priority on my marriage, which means most of the time I skip any and all evening activities because my husband and I require those precious couple of hours together at night after the kids are in bed.
There are plenty of reasons, and I'm aware of them and I take action, but damn.The vacillation is tedious.
Any words of wisdom from my incredible audience? You really do keep me sane.