Is it a Train or an Emotional Roller Coaster?

Photo by Vlastula via Flickr

Weeks ago, on our way to our new home, the taxi driver practically cackled when we told him where we had chosen to live. His laugh turned boisterous when we said we had no car. No worries, we thought. We'll have a car soon. And after two weeks we did.

Then the car stopped working. After just a couple of weeks. It is useless.

The tricky bit about starting over is that you start from scratch. It's like getting out your ingredients to make the most delicious pizza, only to find that you have no flour for the dough. And no one will lend you any because you've never borrowed flour in this neighborhood before, so none of the neighbors are quite certain you'll pay them back for it.

Except, it isn't flour I need. It is dough. For a car. And I'm frustrated because we're back to leaving at 2:00pm for a school pick up an hour and 15 minutes later! I am grateful we have the teacher again to take the girls to school, however.

I'm also frustrated because I'm not earning nearly what I hoped to be earning through my writing by this point in the year. The focus was on other things, like selling off our belongings to move overseas to a decent job for my man and therefore our family.

I still have one child at home, who at 3 years old, will not be ignored so mommy can work! I'm interrupted so frequently that I have no focus, no attention span. I flutter from this to that, sometimes only completing a 5-minute task hours later. Or days.

I think my own self-esteem is what holds me back the most. One down day and I'm off task for two and assuring myself that my effort isn't worth it anyway. How terrible is that?! My confidence is a total yo-yo.

I'm supposed to be writing and earning enough to pay for my Passion Test certification as well as leftover US bills. I'm not even close. It's both fortunate and frustrating that it is still months away! March. I feel 100% confident that I'll be amazing at that job! My confidence fails when I consider marketing myself to actually get clients who will want me as their facilitator. Ugh.

As far as writing goes, I should be writing the stories that are in my head, but I fear they won't come out as anything worth reading. My Dolphin book sales are flat - I guess my whole family already has a copy! I don't actually want to be self-published. I want the affirmation of my talent, if I have some, from a real publisher! They don't even need to be a big house, just a real one! But if I don't write it, no one can tell me yes or no.

I get ideas for greeting cards, lunchbox printables and picture books. I start to work and then see that so many people are already doing the same thing! So how will I do it better? And how can I profit from it? I need to earn today. Right now.

I could think of this blog as a business and really get to work on it, but then it might not be appropriate to just vent! I'd have to prove myself as a know-it-all so you'll buy into me and then actually $$$ buy into me. But that isn't what I really want for this blog. I want to do this venting thing... you're the only one I can really talk to... ;)

Yet, I am tired of this emotional and financial yo-yo.  I want off. I'm getting off of it. Somehow. I want to live the life I deserve. I'm good at motivating others. I need to learn how to motivate myself. And believe that I'm worth being listened to. And believe in myself.

Do you struggle with insecurity? How do you overcome it?